Unexpected Goodbye
Perpetual Permutation
Emotional Roller Coaster

Unexpected Goodbye

What do you do when it’s too late to say goodbye? The last hug, the last laugh, the last memory…Two weeks into March, a beloved cousin took his life.


How does one respond to that? 
Having felt the pain, loneliness, and hopelessness that accompanies suicidal thoughts, I can sympathize with all parties involved. I can relate to the desire for freedom from the suffocating darkness, and I can understand the deep unending grief and confusion caused by his death. 

We all miss him, and each moment brings new opportunities to honor his memory. 

Perpetual Permutation 

If grieving the loss of a loved one wasn’t enough, the world exploded in chaotic fear as COVID-19 was labeled as a Pandemic. 

The number of changes since have been incredible. Businesses closing their doors and jobs being lost. Grocery stores being cleaned out. And church doors closed to the public. 

With all of the fear and uncertainty, the world needs God now more than ever. I know I do. Though I can’t worship in ways I’m familiar with. I am finding new ways to be close to my Father in Heaven. Don’t underestimate the power of music. I have found that listening to hymns of my faith and of other christian denominations to be very comforting. 

Emotional Rollercoaster 

All of the changes with work, COVID-19 and its effects on society, and the desire to be with family to support and love them have taken me on an emotional rollercoaster.

Last night I broke down and cried. I still write in a paper journal, and so, I expressed my feelings there between wiping my face with a golden tissue (ps…not really golden. This is my attempt at humor since finding paper products at the grocery stores is still pretty impossible.). 

Burying emotions beneath strength, courage, and a happy face is like a volcano about to erupt. It doesn’t last very long. So I made the executive decision to remove one thing from my life that I felt wasn’t serving me and to replace it with some things that I can. I am blessed to have a husband with a really good job that pays enough so we can live off of his income alone. So I chose to stop working until after the pandemic is over. 

Though March was unpredictable, I find great comfort in knowing that April is a chance for growth and recovery.